Offering tea and coffee to the English

The old conversation with my English gardener:

Me: Would you like a coffee or tea?

Gardener: Only if you're making it-

Me: Yes, I am.

Gardener: Oh, then a tea would be lovely. Thanks.

Me: What do you take in it?

Gardener: Milk and two sugars.

The new and improved conversation with my English gardener:

Me: I'm making tea. Would you like some?

Gardener: Yes, that would be lovely.

Me: Milk and two sugars?

Gardener: Yes, thank you.

It's a funny little social conundrum - offering tea and coffee in the UK. In the first conversation, surely it's clear that I'll only offer tea or coffee if I'm willing to make it. Yet so often guests will say 'Yes, but only if you're making it.' But perhaps those guests are the ones who only offer tea and coffee out of courtesy and would rather you said 'Water is fine, thanks.' The water pouring is easy and yet still makes the host feel like she's still doing something for her guest, but nothing as troublesome as boiling water and waiting for tea to steep or worse brewing fresh coffee (especially if the host doesn't drink coffee and feels tense about screwing it up). However if the guest replied to the drink offer with 'Nothing, thanks' that could potentially mean 'I want nothing you have, not even your free water, and I won't even act like I'm thirsty just to make you feel more comfortable.' OR 'Nothing, thanks' could be like throwing down the white flag. The host is let off the hook because she's shown willing and offered a drink and the guest is saying 'I won't make you go to the trouble, even though I may be thirsty, but thank you for your willingness to serve me. Now let's forget about this awkward drink business and get on with why I came to your house in the first place.'

It's funny how politeness can get in the way of actual communication, especially here in England. When my American friends and family come over, we just say what we mean regardless of whether it might be rude, and that way everyone knows where they stand.

For example:

My dad (American): Hey Kosh, you got any coffee?

Me: Yeah - want some?

My dad: Yes.

Me: OK I'll make it.

Nice, straightforward talk. But then that can go wrong:

Me: Hey, dad, how do I look?

Dad: That's a nice dress, but I think you should put on some makeup.

So perhaps the lesson of the day is to find a balance between English politeness and American bluntness.

SHORTS: Behind Closed Doors

This Sunday 26th July - for one night only - I and seven top-notch actresses will perform 8 short pieces of new writing at The Landor Theatre in Clapham, London.

I'm particularly excited/scared because I have written my piece (my first time writing for the stage) in collaboration with the brilliant Lucy Newman-Williams. Actress and director Jenny Bolt founded SHORTS in 2009 to promote new writers and give actors exciting performance opportunities. Hopefully this event will be the first of many. Here are the details:

SHORTS
New writing at The Landor Theatre

Behind Closed Doors
Sunday 26th July @ 8pm

Behind closed doors and in the corners of the mind extraordinary things can happen...

Performers:
Jenny Bolt, Di Botcher, Kosha Engler, Lesley Clare O'Neill, Janet Prince, Sadie Shimmin, Sara Stockbridge and Amanda Symonds

Writers:
Christopher Durang, Laura FitzGerald, James Graham, Anthony Newell and Lucy Newman-Williams

Tickets: £8, Box Office 020 7737 7276 (best to call between 4:30pm-6:30pm Mon-Sat)

Venue: The Landor Theatre, 70 Landor Road, Clapham, London SW9 9PH
Nearest tube: Clapham North

Find out more: Visit Facebook event page

If you live in London and you'd like to take part in future SHORTS events either as a writer or actor, please email Jenny Bolt at shortswriting@aol.com.

Moonshot Airs Monday 20 July

Hi everyone - the broadcast details have finally come through and here they are:

MOONSHOT: The Flight of Apollo 11
Premieres Monday 20 July 2009

ITV1 at 10:50pm GMT (UK)
More details here

The History Channel - 9pm ET (USA)
More details here (including video preview)

Synopsis:

Starring Daniel Lapaine (Hotel Babylon, Muriel’s Wedding) as Neil Armstrong, James Marsters (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Smallville) as Buzz Aldrin and Andrew Lincoln (Afterlife, Teachers) as Michael Collins, this drama documentary weaves the story of the men who undertook the mission with HD Nasa footage of Apollo 11 to bring together a unique testimony of this historic event.

Written by Tony Basgallop (Hotel Babylon), and directed by Richard Dale (Diana: The Last Days of a Princess, 9/11: The Twin Towers), Moonshot is the compelling story of the moment that united 600 million people around the world.

Dramatising key moments and events in the years spent preparing for their mission, the film builds a picture of the astronauts’ lives on the ground and how they shaped what happened in space and on the moon.

Store for Americans in the UK

Introducing my new online store, created specifically for you, my blog readers. I've spent the last few weeks choosing the bestselling, most relevant and highly rated items from Amazon for American Anglophiles, expats, actors and writers.

There's a USA store for readers contemplating a move across the pond, and a UK store for those of you who've recently arrived.

When I first moved to London, it was hard to adjust - new place, new culture, new English, new climate, new everything. So for the store I chose a whole range of stuff - books, DVDs, software, gadgets, games, clothes and things for the home - that will make your transition to living in the UK a littler easier. I own most of the items and can vouch for their quality/usefulness, and what I don't own I'd like to.

Start shopping now. Click on any item and get all the details including customer reviews and suggestions of similar items.